Go at it alone

Going at it alone has been a real struggle

This year has to be one of my worst semester, recovery is pretty much at a standstill, I’m not getting worse (I think?) and I’m definitely not getting better. My academics have been wishy washy all the way through, I’m not failing anything, but things have just not been up to my usual standard.

Doing recovery without therapy has been a joke, I’ve done nothing, other than ignore. Ignore my anxiety, ignore emotions, ignore breakdowns and last case resort (every second day) a good ol’ purge and 2 laxatives to wash it all down.

And as for studying, I hate studying alone and so usually I rely on friends to study with me and it hasn’t been getting me far as they usually want to stop 2hrs in and I don’t like to stay on campus late if I’m all alone. But think I’ll be ending that bad streak tonight, I plan on staying late on campus -alone- and doing so every single day until the semesters over. As much as I want to slap myself for not preforming up to standard, I need to recognize that I still have 3weeks of school left and if I put in the time -studying alone everyday, minimum of 4hrs– I’ll end up finishing this semester off just fine.

I am strong, I am capable, I can do great things as long as I have faith. 

As for recovery I’ll think about that during Winter break, tomorrow is going to be only liquids. I hope that by restricting more I’ll be able to purge and take laxatives less.

Right?

To the person who dared invade my sanctuary

Dear person, who walked in uninvited

Dear person who listened closely

to my gags of self absolution

Dear person who peeked under stall doors

and waited to see the face of self hatred

Don’t say that you know

until you insert, reinsert, insert, reinsert, just once more please, another one, last one, one more for the nibble that haunts you

two or three digits, up-righteous fellows they are, grip pens with fervor, force there way down orifices

unmercifully

coated in sick

just once more, I promise

An eager tongue tastes, buds recoil, a cocktail of lunch and acid

Don’t say that you know

This spot holds memories sweet

Of all the times I was stronger than the pain that made me want to keep it down

But like the fighter I never was, I chose a pain that kills and rots secretly

And in the end I am the only one who can smell

it

That urges me, the next time will be better, a smoother flow out, peaceful

It will taste better than the first time

I promise.

Feeling sick or Just pretending

Yesterday just after eating suhoor and praying the dawn prayer I felt extremely nauseous. Just really full, uncomfortable, like my stomach was stretched out, even though I had only eaten 1100 calories I felt like I over did it and subsequently ended up making myself throw up.

It sounds logical and thought out when i write it like this. In reality it was emotional, painful and even though I tried to talk myself out of it – especially because the fast had already started by this point- it didn’t work. And I’m not sure if this is a good thing, but I wasn’t too beat up about it. Usually after throwing up I have ‘numb days’ I just avoid everyone, sleep a lot and feel nothing other than low and worthless.

I’m impressed with my level of self acceptance. I am sick, I’m not going to magically get better because it a holy and spiritual month, I’m not going to suddenly not become bulimic anymore. So I threw up, I fell back into self harming behaviour, I don’t need to castigate myself for being human and flawed and sick.

This isn’t to say that I didn’t feel bad and slightly guilty, I did. But I guess I just learned how to give myself a break and pass to be less than okay.

Handling it

Remember how I intended to go to sleep early. Well thats not happening, it’s already past when I wanted to be asleep by.

So how am I handling the fact that I – after fasting for only 5 days– (stop being so freaking hard on yourself. those were some really good days) have thrown up. Well so far, I’ve cleaned up, prayed, cried about it, wrote about, cried about it some more. used my feelings chart – thanks therapy– to figure what what I was feeling and now I am going to let go and have some compassion for myself.

This doesn’t mean I’m going easy on myself, or that I’m being weak. It means that I’m struggling, and going through a hard time and I need to have some love for myself.

This doesn’t mean I’m not angry, disappointed, upset and discouraged. It just means that for tonight I’m going to make some room for understanding and sympathy. I think love at this point would be a stretch to far.

Feeling full – Day 5

Smoothie – 100
Fruit – 50
Cookies – 180
Chicken – 300
Ice cream – 120

Tonight I felt full, not too different from other nights. Just full. And i knew I needed to go to bed early, so how exactly was I going to reach my 1000 calorie goal if I was already full, needed to sleep and still had more to eat. None of this is an excuse, none of this is a reason why.

Some how I ended up being home alone and went to use the bathroom, my body said yes before my head could reply no. But it replied no. It yelled. But my body promised and my fingers itched. I could already feel the ice cream creeping up my throat ready to be thrown up. No. Yes.

If it’s any measure I didn’t throw up everything. I purged out everything that came up on it’s own with a bit of a push. I didn’t retch until the only thing left was stomach acid, I didn’t try a hard I could have. I just wanted some relief.

Damn you Friends and Food

My friend was over today and we had breakfast together – look at me!

A couple of months ago breakfast was a nightmare and I’d eat 3-4 hrs after waking up, now I’m eating within an hour of waking up.

While my friend was over she was getting me to help her make a meal plan to gain weight. Right, yes, I know. I wanted to slap her too. Talking about food and weight loss is so triggering for me and I then spent the past 2hrs looking at weight loss videos and Its now lunch time.

And It’s so hard to eat. I was going to just settle for a pudding cup and an orange, but I know that’s not going to help me towards recovery.

Lunch was supposed to be the same as yesterday – 1 egg and 1 egg white, 40cal cheese, 2 pieces of salami, 4 mushrooms and spinach. But now I’m scared that if I eat I’ll throw up, because I really want to throw up. Fuck.

I don’t know if I should try and eat something and risk purging or just eat my pudding cup?

*P.S – I know it’s Ramadan but its that time of the month, ya know.

The obvious tale

So yall already know where this is heading right.

I came into class today and was dreadfully cold, but only when I started getting an uncomfortable tight feeling in my chest; which is the usual post purge feeling and recalled yesterdays failures.

I went over to a friends house yesterday after school and she offered me a wrap, 350 calories and instead of saying no because I already had lunch 5hrs ago, I said yes and promptly regretted it, once I finished eating.

Set on purging I ate 6 crackers and “Oh um, can I use your bathroom? I’m not feeling well”. 20 minutes later, shamed and feigning awkward bowel movements I pretend nothing happens.

Post purge feelings are an odd mixture of regret, pain and shame but also relief, pride and need.

That feeling – Go away

Feeling horrible. I was really hungry when I cam home from teaching (I had only eaten 200 calories) and looking back; I should have seen it coming. I stood in front of the fridge for 30 minutes debating foods and then I finally settled on half a pita bread and cheese.

And so after eating … Hello, guilt. I didn’t see you lurking in that corner. 

So surprise. I ended up purging, and then of course I was still hungry so I had some safe food – Cereal with almond milk and butter free popcorn.

I hate that I ate again, I hate that I was still hungry, I hate that I threw up, that cheese makes me feel crazy and fat and disgusting. Cheese should not have this much power over me.

Results: Swollen glands, cut in my gums, feeling sick, raised temperature.

Had a cup of green tea w/ honey and lemon. off to go work out for a bit. Hoping it will help me feel better.

– Hope yall’s day went smoother than mine.

Trigger warning: Bulimia

Went to a friends house. Good mood, great company, lots of food. Ate more than I should have – also knows as a normal amount- but it was pasta and that always makes me uncomfortable.

So I had this brilliant idea, I was going to purge BUT not all of it, just some you know. Make me feel less guilty, less fat. I’d only purge like for 5 minutes.

I honestly don’t know how I rationalized it to myself, but I did and while everyone else was laughing and relaxing I was throwing up. Yeah the whole “just a little bit” didn’t stick. I threw up everything I could get out, lasted for around 10 minutes. Pasta is disgustingly easy to bring up and burned my throat of course.

Does it count that I really didn’t want to throw it all up? Can that be my good intention. Like “I only wanted to cause a little damage”. Does that suffice?

See a nutritionist. Eat breakfast and Lunch

Those were my goals. I did eat lunch twice this week once was fruit and granola and today was pasta.

Pasta, crabs, fat, fatter, me.

Swollen cheeks

Sore jaw

Raw throat

Red knuckles

Scared hands

Did I eat pasta deliberately knowing I would throw it up? No. I thought I was beyond this, I thought I could handle it.

Did I throw up deliberately? Yes. Couldn’t have it in me, Fat, fat, fatter. Exploding out of my shirt, love handle, fake compliments, belly. widening hips, expanding fat. Fat.