Nutritionist – You’re killing yourself

I went to see a nutritionist and she basically told me in the simplest of terms that eating only 1000 calories is killing myself. I’m not getting enough nutrients for my body to keep my organs functioning and I’m not eating enough to support the amount of nutrients my brain needs.

Why thank you. But honestly I don’t know what to do with that, eat more perhaps? But the very idea makes me want to vomit and in reality when I do eat more I lose it all to purging. And eating more but exercising to make up for it isn’t a solution either. Also the real kicker is there is no possible way that I’m going to lose weight on my current diet, I’ll only further ruin my already horrible metabolism -which I’ve been abusing for years) and keep my body in starvation mode.

Don’t tell me to eat more, Do not tell me to eat more. I am serious, that it not a solution for me, I think and know that I am capable of physically eating more, the issue lies with mentally. I feel like I can’t eat more. Like I’m doing more harm than good, by packing on the calories. My mind rebels and my body follows. Food makes us ugly and unloveable, food causes us pain and weight gain is the evidence of that. I know a lot of people think that when you up you calorie intake to what your body is supposed to have you won’t gain weight, the truth is you might. I might. I might gain weight. And I don’t know if I can handle that ( I may also lose weight- but come on! I can’t be that lucky).

I want to get better I do. I need to do this, I need to do this for me. For my future, for my faith, for my life, for my health, for my happiness. But I’m so scared, and this horrible monster of an eating disorder feels as comfy as a warm hug on a lonely night. It may be killing me but it’s doing it softly and gently and I’m scared of living without it.

Damn you Friends and Food

My friend was over today and we had breakfast together – look at me!

A couple of months ago breakfast was a nightmare and I’d eat 3-4 hrs after waking up, now I’m eating within an hour of waking up.

While my friend was over she was getting me to help her make a meal plan to gain weight. Right, yes, I know. I wanted to slap her too. Talking about food and weight loss is so triggering for me and I then spent the past 2hrs looking at weight loss videos and Its now lunch time.

And It’s so hard to eat. I was going to just settle for a pudding cup and an orange, but I know that’s not going to help me towards recovery.

Lunch was supposed to be the same as yesterday – 1 egg and 1 egg white, 40cal cheese, 2 pieces of salami, 4 mushrooms and spinach. But now I’m scared that if I eat I’ll throw up, because I really want to throw up. Fuck.

I don’t know if I should try and eat something and risk purging or just eat my pudding cup?

*P.S – I know it’s Ramadan but its that time of the month, ya know.

Don’t Tempt Me

I went to my Aunts house two days ago and shes says –  remember when you were so skinny you, looked anorexic. Can I just say I hate that phrase, You can not look like a mental illness.

On with the story …

She brings that up all the time and I want to scream because one I was, and two it’s so triggering to hear. The most unforgettable memory I have from when I was living with her was making a batch of banana muffins, but forgetting to add in any sugar and so no one ended up eating it, except me. I ended up binging on all of them, even though they tasted like crap and then spent half an hour throwing them up.

She recalls that time as “the best I looked”, I recall the bitterness, the hatred, the constant panic of what more can I be doing to make sure I don’t gain any weight. Exercising 3 times a day and crying all night because reaching my goal weight meant nothing, I still wanted more, I still wanted less.

It’s hard to remember those time. To remember how bad it actually was, but I have to, if I want to make sure I don’t go back down that road. 

Today – self sabotage.

I woke with chest and stomach tightening pain from last nights laxative, and when I finally made it through that ugh I felt horrible. Cold, shaky and sick. But lucky for me today was my first day of work. I really wanted to call in sick, but my mom told me to take a shower, some pain medicine and with a stomach full of food, I’d be fine.

Ah the flaw in the plan. A stomach full of food is too much to handle. I ended up going to work only to get a call on my way there telling me not to come in, apparently they’re over staffed and I was ‘let go’. Which was fine, I didn’t care too much.

Ran some errands with my sister and then we stopped for lunch, well actually she insisted that we stop for lunch. I thought okay I can do this.

Turns out I couldn’t. So that’s 15$ down the toilet, literally. Thankfully I’ve pretty much mastered the ability to throw up silently, so that made things much simpler. No need for constant flushing sounds. However, mid way through my noes started bleeding, but I mean at that point things don’t get much more disgusting than having yours arms and face covered in sick, while leaning over a public toilet.

So that was my day.

Protein, hungry and feeling sick

Ugh, so of course I am super hungry today and cold, but it’s snowing so that makes sense even though it’s the freaking May – MAY I tell you – it’s still snowing in this frozen tundra that I live in. #Canada

But yes, back to our pressing matter. Hunger and feeling a little sick. I can feel my glands getting swollen. I pretty much live under this portable heater, I’m always so cold. But then I kinda did this mental summary of what I have been eating lately and low and behold; barely any protein.

The past week has consisted mainly of Cereal with Almond milk, granola bars and some veg sandwiches if I’m feeling brave (fruit and vegetables are a given).

And this sucks because even though I’m not actively restricting, it just happens kinda by habit. I’m not eating too much, but I’m still not losing weight. It’s just so frustrating knowing that I could probably eat 600 more calories a day and still not gain weight but I can’t because, it just scares me.

It’s like suffering for no reason.

Grrrr

Sigh. So I’m going to try and up my vegetable count and cut out the 1 sandwich that I usually have at lunch (please help me lose weight) and add some baked chicken and Almonds to my ‘safe to eat food’.

I guess I am kinda restricting. Opps

That feeling – Go away

Feeling horrible. I was really hungry when I cam home from teaching (I had only eaten 200 calories) and looking back; I should have seen it coming. I stood in front of the fridge for 30 minutes debating foods and then I finally settled on half a pita bread and cheese.

And so after eating … Hello, guilt. I didn’t see you lurking in that corner. 

So surprise. I ended up purging, and then of course I was still hungry so I had some safe food – Cereal with almond milk and butter free popcorn.

I hate that I ate again, I hate that I was still hungry, I hate that I threw up, that cheese makes me feel crazy and fat and disgusting. Cheese should not have this much power over me.

Results: Swollen glands, cut in my gums, feeling sick, raised temperature.

Had a cup of green tea w/ honey and lemon. off to go work out for a bit. Hoping it will help me feel better.

– Hope yall’s day went smoother than mine.

Reflective Change

So yesterday was bad, had a good cry about it, read some Quran (scripture) and tried to just Let It Go. Which was hard!

I made a commitment to eat breakfast today, last night. Not for therapy, not for anything, just for me, just for recovery. Not to make up for years of guilt over eating breakfast. It was really hard to not think that Okay I’m going to eat breakfast and bam! I can recovery. All this to say, no pressure, just breakfast. Just for me.

I ended up eating 3 mini and super thin (still trying to justify it) oatmeal pancakes with sugar free syrup and a peach-mango smoothie with chai seeds.

When Everyday is: All About Food

Yesterday  all I ate was popcorn, chocolate and cereal. Like all day. And a lot of of popcorn, not so much chocolate and probably like 3 bowls of cereal. So then logical solution, I popped a laxative to try and make me feel better.

The laxative has kicked in but the emotional relief isnt here. Despite my hunger, despite it being a new day, despite logical. I still feel like I can’t eat. Fruits, granola, coffee are a yes, they’re still safe food. Anything else? Nope.

Too fat. Too unworthy. Too much guilt.

I’m not sure what I did wrong. Why guilt?

Family

My heart is breaking, can you not see that?

I am hungry. Open the fridge and find no solutions. What is the cure a laxative or a prayer and which is the first solution? Which is the back up.

I want to eat, and be full. I want to binge on bread and cheese and ice cream. I want to fill my stomach until the only thing I can focus on is calories and fat. Until I forget that to you I am not much more than a used tissue.

When will my heart learn not to care, when will these eyes stop crying.

I hate you, you disappoint me. I’m still here for you, ignore me.

Trigger warning: Bulimia

Went to a friends house. Good mood, great company, lots of food. Ate more than I should have – also knows as a normal amount- but it was pasta and that always makes me uncomfortable.

So I had this brilliant idea, I was going to purge BUT not all of it, just some you know. Make me feel less guilty, less fat. I’d only purge like for 5 minutes.

I honestly don’t know how I rationalized it to myself, but I did and while everyone else was laughing and relaxing I was throwing up. Yeah the whole “just a little bit” didn’t stick. I threw up everything I could get out, lasted for around 10 minutes. Pasta is disgustingly easy to bring up and burned my throat of course.

Does it count that I really didn’t want to throw it all up? Can that be my good intention. Like “I only wanted to cause a little damage”. Does that suffice?