I made an appointment for therapy which has me anxious and nervous. I think about calling to cancel almost everyday but as tempted as I am, I’m counting it as a sign of strength that I haven’t done that yet.
I also weighed myself, which I’m sure I needn’t tell you is never a good thing. I’ve gained weight. Of course I have, thats what happens when you try to stop restricting as much, allow yourself to eat more and stop exercising because you don’t know how to use exercise as anything but a punishment.
But I can be okay with weight gain.
I’ve only weighed myself 5 times today and am only having coffee.
I am trying to deal. I keep switching from trying to muster up some body positivity and reminding myself that my weight is not who I am too writing up a list of acceptable food.
So far the list of acceptable food is winning. I don’t even know if it’s worth going to therapy if I keeping running head first towards restriction at the sight of weight gain.
I know all that fluff about – yes, you’ll gain weight when recovering because your metabolism is destroyed and your body still thinks it’s in starvation mode, but soon enough you’ll lose weight. Soon enough is too far away for me; my hand shakes at the thought of getting fatter.
I’m avoiding all people. By people I mean friends, I’ve cancelled meet ups and I avoid going to buildings that I know my friends will be in. I don’t want anyone to see me, it’s a miracle that I still come to class.
To be totally honest I am restricting again and it’s a pretty low number. I don’t care if it’s self destructive, counter productive or self harming my main goal, only goal, is too lose these 6 pounds that I’ve gained.