Insignificantly numb

I made iftar for my family today so my mom wouldn’t have too, spent more time than usual with my siblings, taught my younger sister some Islamic concepts. Helped with some baking.

I still feel nothing. I feel numb. Went for a 20 minute bike ride/walk after dawn today (around 5am) I guess I was hoping to feel something. To spark something inside myself. To let go of whatever is holding me back from feeling. But I don’t even know what that is, so how can I try and free mmyself from it?

I read for 7hrs today, which usually is a sign that I’m trying to escape/avoid/not feel something but I can’t put my finger on what it is. Just depressed. Just feeling lost and overly self critical. If sleeping during the day in Ramadan didn’t make me feel guilty i’d probably spend all day in bed.

Here’s some picture of view. I thought looking up and trying to appreciate God’s creation and the worlds magnitude in relation to my problems would help. It didn’t, I just feel slightly more insignificant now.

Handling it

Remember how I intended to go to sleep early. Well thats not happening, it’s already past when I wanted to be asleep by.

So how am I handling the fact that I – after fasting for only 5 days– (stop being so freaking hard on yourself. those were some really good days) have thrown up. Well so far, I’ve cleaned up, prayed, cried about it, wrote about, cried about it some more. used my feelings chart – thanks therapy– to figure what what I was feeling and now I am going to let go and have some compassion for myself.

This doesn’t mean I’m going easy on myself, or that I’m being weak. It means that I’m struggling, and going through a hard time and I need to have some love for myself.

This doesn’t mean I’m not angry, disappointed, upset and discouraged. It just means that for tonight I’m going to make some room for understanding and sympathy. I think love at this point would be a stretch to far.

What does feeling full mean?

Feeling worthless. feeling overlooked, feeling invisible, feeling fat, feeling overstretched. Feeling uncomfortable. Feeling angry. feeling insignificant.

Feeling dumb because I am too smart to have an eating disorder, I know, I know numbers are not my worth. Numbers can not measure me, I am more than that. I shrink myself down to something I can count, dissect and discard when it’s not good enough. I am my age and my grades, my gpa and my weight. I am 3 genuine compliments and a fistful lies that are polite.

Feeling full is not good enough, because I am still hungry. Uncomfortably stretched and ashamed of my stomach and thighs and hips and still hungry for all the food that I am not allowed to eat because I am too fat and unworthy.

Feeling full is … ashamed, guilty, worthless, useless, powerless, weak, lost, hateful, weak, angry, frustrated, uneasy, alarmed, anxious, anxious, anxious, panicky, dejected, disgusted, hungry, overwhelmed, sorry. 

Feeling full – Day 5

Smoothie – 100
Fruit – 50
Cookies – 180
Chicken – 300
Ice cream – 120

Tonight I felt full, not too different from other nights. Just full. And i knew I needed to go to bed early, so how exactly was I going to reach my 1000 calorie goal if I was already full, needed to sleep and still had more to eat. None of this is an excuse, none of this is a reason why.

Some how I ended up being home alone and went to use the bathroom, my body said yes before my head could reply no. But it replied no. It yelled. But my body promised and my fingers itched. I could already feel the ice cream creeping up my throat ready to be thrown up. No. Yes.

If it’s any measure I didn’t throw up everything. I purged out everything that came up on it’s own with a bit of a push. I didn’t retch until the only thing left was stomach acid, I didn’t try a hard I could have. I just wanted some relief.

Day 2 & 3

Yesterday I ate for Iftaar and Suhoor (Breaking my fast + Food before my fast)

Somali pancake type food – 400
Fruit – 100
Cookies – 200
Oatmeal w/ pnb – 300

It doesn’t look like much on here, but it felt like a lot! and it was hard to remind myself that this is what I want, I want to recover. To be healthier and less consumed and controlled by food.

Today I ate

Croissant – 200
Nutella – 100
Fruit – 100
Shepard pie (small portion) – 200
Oatmeal w pnb – 300

Although it’s not the most important thing I really don’t want to slip into restricting, because honestly it’s on my mind alot. Weighing myself makes things harder. I’m reluctant to eat, even when I can’t stop thinking about food.

Day 1 of Ramadan

Day 1 of Ramadan. For most people Ramadan means restricting yourself from your desires and so for me that looks like; getting myself to eat.

Today’s my first day of fasting, even though its not the first day of Ramadan, because of lovely feminine issues. I woke up today excited to fast and as the day progressed I started to feel more light headed and empty but not overly hungry. It felt very much like restricting, because technically that is what you are doing.

I’m making a commitment to continue eating as much as I usually eat in a day during Ramadan and not to use this time to eat less and slide back into self harming behaviors.

My goals for this Ramadan is to

• Continue to remake my intentions to fast for God not to give into my eating disorder
• Continue eating 1000 calories
• Not take any laxatives
• Not purging

With that said tonight meal was

400 calories – Cauliflower shepherds pie

150 calories – mango smoothie

200 calories – fruits

I have 250 calories left to eat and I really don’t want to eat. I am full as is and I simply don’t want to force myself to eat. But I am going to, because I want to recover and that means eating, even when it scares me.

250 calories – of something …

Damn you Friends and Food

My friend was over today and we had breakfast together – look at me!

A couple of months ago breakfast was a nightmare and I’d eat 3-4 hrs after waking up, now I’m eating within an hour of waking up.

While my friend was over she was getting me to help her make a meal plan to gain weight. Right, yes, I know. I wanted to slap her too. Talking about food and weight loss is so triggering for me and I then spent the past 2hrs looking at weight loss videos and Its now lunch time.

And It’s so hard to eat. I was going to just settle for a pudding cup and an orange, but I know that’s not going to help me towards recovery.

Lunch was supposed to be the same as yesterday – 1 egg and 1 egg white, 40cal cheese, 2 pieces of salami, 4 mushrooms and spinach. But now I’m scared that if I eat I’ll throw up, because I really want to throw up. Fuck.

I don’t know if I should try and eat something and risk purging or just eat my pudding cup?

*P.S – I know it’s Ramadan but its that time of the month, ya know.

2:185

The month of Ramadan [is that] in which was revealed the Qur’an, a guidance for the people and clear proofs of guidance and criterion. So whoever sights [the new moon of] the month, let him fast it; and whoever is ill or on a journey – then an equal number of other days. Allah intends for you ease and does not intend for you hardship and [wants] for you to complete the period and to glorify Allah for that [to] which He has guided you; and perhaps you will be grateful. http://quran.com/2/182-188

Above is a verse form the Quran that talks about the month of Ramadan, which has just started and a someone actually pointed this verse out to me; not knowing how much it spoke to my heart. I’ve read this verse before and I’ve never connected to it; before today.

When they talk about the ill – I find that I exclude myself, I am not ill. I am stupid and selfish and made dumb choices and bad habits. My therapist says, that’s exactly the voice of an Eating disorder because as long as you refuse to believe that you are sick; your not getting better and this mental illness will continue to have you in its grips.

It hurts to say it, but I am sick, and it’s not physical but I am sick.

When the verse above says – God does not intend for you hardship – I cringe, because this Ramadan is going to be hard. Fasting for me will cause hardship and that’s not what God wants for me; but I don’t know how to go easy on myself. I don’t know how to say – you can take a break – you can be less than perfect and still not be less in worth.

I know that right now, I can’t not fast. I have too. I don’t know how I’d be able to live with myself if I didn’t. I have high standards and a critical voice that brings me to my knees. I don’t know how to be okay with less, I don’t know how to not hate myself for it. 

So for now, even though it goes against my therapist recommendation, I’m going to fast. I know God’s compassion outweighs mine, and Allah would understand why I didn’t fast, but right now I don’t have that compassion for myself and I can’t picture a future where I am not fasting and am not totally devastated.

For now I comfort myself with the end of verse 2:182 But to fast is best for you, if you only knew. and I’m going to fast, and struggle and use this month to increase my devotions and ask God to show me how to be compassionate to myself.

I know that this isn’t the path that all of us eating disordered Muslims will take this month, but this is my path. I talked about it, prayed about it, cried about it and I know that for some people Ramadan means suppressing their desire to eat but for me it’ll be overcoming my desire to restrict when I’m able to eat and God willing  I want to use this month to not let myself be ruled by my desires or my Eating disorder. 

Ramadan – Pro’s and Con’s of my own Struggle

Crying at Breakfast

Crying at breakfast is a new experience. I’ve been eating breakfast within 1hr of waking up for a couple of weeks now, doing it with low-intensity foods – so not eating food that will make me feel anxious or fear foods. And not worrying so much about the quantity, as long as I’m eating something. Most days it ends up being 1/2 cup of oatmeal or a smoothie and an apple.

Now we’ve added lunch into the mix – 4hrs afterbreakfast – doing the same thing. low intensity and not worrying about the amount (but I can’t just eat fruit).

I find it impossible to eat breakfast and not think about lunch. My mind still rings with calories and numbers,

Yesterday was almost a success – no, it was. It was a success, I have to count the small wins too – I ate breakfast and lunch ON TIME! but I still ended up taking laxatives before going to bed – which I’m not supposed to do, no compensatory behaviors – But i just felt so full and uncomfortably bloated.

But you know what, I don’t care. Yesterday was still a win. I ate breakfast while anxiously thinking about lunch, and then ate lunch anyways. I ate an amount of calories I was comfortable with, and took a bike ride. All of that can’t be cancelled out by taking laxatives. Look at me thinking positively, I’m blushing in-person.

A step on the road to recovery