Damn you Friends and Food

My friend was over today and we had breakfast together – look at me!

A couple of months ago breakfast was a nightmare and I’d eat 3-4 hrs after waking up, now I’m eating within an hour of waking up.

While my friend was over she was getting me to help her make a meal plan to gain weight. Right, yes, I know. I wanted to slap her too. Talking about food and weight loss is so triggering for me and I then spent the past 2hrs looking at weight loss videos and Its now lunch time.

And It’s so hard to eat. I was going to just settle for a pudding cup and an orange, but I know that’s not going to help me towards recovery.

Lunch was supposed to be the same as yesterday – 1 egg and 1 egg white, 40cal cheese, 2 pieces of salami, 4 mushrooms and spinach. But now I’m scared that if I eat I’ll throw up, because I really want to throw up. Fuck.

I don’t know if I should try and eat something and risk purging or just eat my pudding cup?

*P.S – I know it’s Ramadan but its that time of the month, ya know.

Crying at Breakfast

Crying at breakfast is a new experience. I’ve been eating breakfast within 1hr of waking up for a couple of weeks now, doing it with low-intensity foods – so not eating food that will make me feel anxious or fear foods. And not worrying so much about the quantity, as long as I’m eating something. Most days it ends up being 1/2 cup of oatmeal or a smoothie and an apple.

Now we’ve added lunch into the mix – 4hrs afterbreakfast – doing the same thing. low intensity and not worrying about the amount (but I can’t just eat fruit).

I find it impossible to eat breakfast and not think about lunch. My mind still rings with calories and numbers,

Yesterday was almost a success – no, it was. It was a success, I have to count the small wins too – I ate breakfast and lunch ON TIME! but I still ended up taking laxatives before going to bed – which I’m not supposed to do, no compensatory behaviors – But i just felt so full and uncomfortably bloated.

But you know what, I don’t care. Yesterday was still a win. I ate breakfast while anxiously thinking about lunch, and then ate lunch anyways. I ate an amount of calories I was comfortable with, and took a bike ride. All of that can’t be cancelled out by taking laxatives. Look at me thinking positively, I’m blushing in-person.

A step on the road to recovery