Insignificantly numb

I made iftar for my family today so my mom wouldn’t have too, spent more time than usual with my siblings, taught my younger sister some Islamic concepts. Helped with some baking.

I still feel nothing. I feel numb. Went for a 20 minute bike ride/walk after dawn today (around 5am) I guess I was hoping to feel something. To spark something inside myself. To let go of whatever is holding me back from feeling. But I don’t even know what that is, so how can I try and free mmyself from it?

I read for 7hrs today, which usually is a sign that I’m trying to escape/avoid/not feel something but I can’t put my finger on what it is. Just depressed. Just feeling lost and overly self critical. If sleeping during the day in Ramadan didn’t make me feel guilty i’d probably spend all day in bed.

Here’s some picture of view. I thought looking up and trying to appreciate God’s creation and the worlds magnitude in relation to my problems would help. It didn’t, I just feel slightly more insignificant now.

2:185

The month of Ramadan [is that] in which was revealed the Qur’an, a guidance for the people and clear proofs of guidance and criterion. So whoever sights [the new moon of] the month, let him fast it; and whoever is ill or on a journey – then an equal number of other days. Allah intends for you ease and does not intend for you hardship and [wants] for you to complete the period and to glorify Allah for that [to] which He has guided you; and perhaps you will be grateful. http://quran.com/2/182-188

Above is a verse form the Quran that talks about the month of Ramadan, which has just started and a someone actually pointed this verse out to me; not knowing how much it spoke to my heart. I’ve read this verse before and I’ve never connected to it; before today.

When they talk about the ill – I find that I exclude myself, I am not ill. I am stupid and selfish and made dumb choices and bad habits. My therapist says, that’s exactly the voice of an Eating disorder because as long as you refuse to believe that you are sick; your not getting better and this mental illness will continue to have you in its grips.

It hurts to say it, but I am sick, and it’s not physical but I am sick.

When the verse above says – God does not intend for you hardship – I cringe, because this Ramadan is going to be hard. Fasting for me will cause hardship and that’s not what God wants for me; but I don’t know how to go easy on myself. I don’t know how to say – you can take a break – you can be less than perfect and still not be less in worth.

I know that right now, I can’t not fast. I have too. I don’t know how I’d be able to live with myself if I didn’t. I have high standards and a critical voice that brings me to my knees. I don’t know how to be okay with less, I don’t know how to not hate myself for it. 

So for now, even though it goes against my therapist recommendation, I’m going to fast. I know God’s compassion outweighs mine, and Allah would understand why I didn’t fast, but right now I don’t have that compassion for myself and I can’t picture a future where I am not fasting and am not totally devastated.

For now I comfort myself with the end of verse 2:182 But to fast is best for you, if you only knew. and I’m going to fast, and struggle and use this month to increase my devotions and ask God to show me how to be compassionate to myself.

I know that this isn’t the path that all of us eating disordered Muslims will take this month, but this is my path. I talked about it, prayed about it, cried about it and I know that for some people Ramadan means suppressing their desire to eat but for me it’ll be overcoming my desire to restrict when I’m able to eat and God willing  I want to use this month to not let myself be ruled by my desires or my Eating disorder. 

Merry Christmas … No thanks

I’ve gotten alot of “Merry Christmas’s” today. All of which I had to awkwardly respond to with: umm, No thanks.

See the thing is, I do not believe Jesus was god, the way most Muslims don’t believe he was/is god. And not because we hate Jesus, absolutely not, he is a revered Prophet; similar to Prophet Mohammed. They both came with 3 things

1- A Message to return to the worship of 1 God

2- A book

3- Miracles

The same as Moses, Abraham, Noah …ect

To me it’s not logical to worship Jesus, he was human, born to a human mother Mary, he was an infant, he prayed, he had fears and slept, drank, ate. These are not characteristics of God, these are characteristics of Man. This isn’t to lessen Jesus, he was chosen and honored, but he prayed to God and therefore not God. He Ascended to heaven yes and will return yes, and was able to heal and resurrect. But all this was by the Will and Permission of God (The Father).

If not having a father is why we link Jesus to being the Son of god (God forbid) then Prophet Adam has more of a right to be considered the Son of god (God forbid) Because he was fashioned by the hands of God with neither Father nor Mother and yet, no one considers Adam to be God’s offspring.

So ponder with me: The Quran says – 4:171

O People of the Scripture, do not commit excess in your religion or say about Allah except the truth. The Messiah, Jesus, the son of Mary, was but a messenger of Allah and His word which He directed to Mary and a soul [created at a command] from Him. So believe in Allah and His messengers. And do not say, “Three”; desist – it is better for you. Indeed, Allah is but one God. Exalted is He above having a son. To Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth. And sufficient is Allah as Disposer of affairs.

All things happen for a Reason

Something I learned -again- today. God allows everything to happen for a reason, even if they are reasons we can’t precieve. Even if what happened to us seems bad.

Like Prophet Abraham (Ibrahim) leaving his wife and son in Makkah, alone in the desert. If this seemingly bad thing never happened; would we have ZamZam water today? Or Hajj? Or Safa and Marwa?

So how does this work with me and my eating disorder, took me a long while to try and even look for a hint of positives around it. But I did find something, many muslim girls I know have The whole male-dating-boyfriend-sex problem. Unmarried sex is haram in islam, touching between males and female -who arnt married or family- is forbidden. I’ve never struggled with it, sure I’ve had crushes but my eating disorder was quick to remind me how hideous I was, male attention only fueled my body image issues. I got asked out -Ironically by Muslim guys- and saying no was more than easy. The Eating disorders tell you, no one could ever find you attractive, asking you out is a joke, don’t humiliate yourself. Hating myself meant I hated anyone who liked me. I didn’t have strong faith in highschool, I’m not sure I had any faith in highschool, I could have easily fallen into that sin, as many of my own peers-friends-family did and by no means was I better than them, God protected me from that.

An eating disorder also meant that I was very much isolated, I didn’t go to parties, or get pressured into drinking, I didn’t get into circumstances where drinking-hooking up-dressing provocatively happened. I lived in my room, counting calories and stalking ED websites. 

I should remember this, that it wasn’t my own will that saved me, it wasn’t my firm belief in Islamic principles which guarded my chastity. It’s God and even though I suffered, who knows what the alternative would have been.

Alhamduillah for everything.

Spin spin spin

There’s no solid ground, I try to breath but it gets impossible. I have the need, no the urge to control everything. To open my hands wide and grab hold and then hold tighter to own, to control, to be safe. But its impossible and so I drown, I flounder, I stutter, slip and spin, see colors blur and I slowly wipe the blood that drips. I can control the pain, I make myself feel. Control the blade, control the outcome and relish in the punishment.  

My younger brothers acting out, my sisters having engagement problems, my dad quit his job (why!!??!?the freaking fugdeiscles why), and my mom shes going through mood swings as fast as tornado. And me I’m trying to help, to be critical but respectful to minus out my emotions, to be strong and present and get solutions.

Until I’m alone and the feelings overwhelm me and the need to not feel is stronger than all and the two parts of me strike war against each other and there blood, not enough, too much. I shouldn’t have. I did. I’m glad. I said I was going to stop. All I want is silence and sleep and instant relief. But its not there anymore. 

Whats there? and Why do I care?

Shouldnt it be easier, shouldnt I be able to cope better. 

I guess the only option I have is to call on God and ask for help, and comfort. I picked up my phone eariler and I thought who can I call? Who can I trust this with? trust my very self with? and the answer was none. 

I dont have anyone like that in my life, maybe it’s me, maybe it’s circumstance and maybe it’s fate. Either way i keep thinking about this line – when the believer is alone and in need, they turn to their creator for only He can help, and change and do. – So I tell myself do not despair in loneliness for one is never alone, if one always has God. 

If you read this pray that I find humility and direction.